Tuesday, July 1, 2008

saying adieu

why fate has bestowed upon me life's cruelest joke is beyond my ken.
i am a student nurse. i aspire to be an ICU nurse. because, like what they said, i could accept anything and everything including death. i see patients who expire right before my eyes. i emphatize with their loved ones, but i also tell myself that death is inevitable. we have no choice but to succumb to that final slumber. for me, what is important is that i have cared for my patients the best that i could, so that whether they live or die, i would not feel my conscience nagging me for being the lousiest excuse for a nurse.

the sad reality is that, not all health care providers have conscience. a few of them just own the title (nurse, doctor, etc) , but they don't deserve to be part of a health care team.
last week, my paternal grandmother slipped while inside the bathroom and sustained several fractures. she immediately underwent surgery, which was successful. she was transferred out from the recovery room to a regular room. she is ambulatory, she can even go to the bathroom with minimal assistance.

her physical therapist scheduled her therapy to start last saturday, the day that she supposedly would be discharged according to her attending physician.

2 days prior to being discharged, she was given an anesthetic drug through IV. her blood pressure dropped and she experienced numbing sensation on the arm where the anesthetic solution was pushed. my uncle, who was then present, told the nurse not to give the said medication again because of the effects aforementioned.

the following night, a Resident on Duty injected the same medication. this time it was a younger cousin who was attending to my grandmother's needs, so my cousin doesn't know about the said medication.

my grandmother said she couldn't feel her arm, and she fell asleep.

my cousin approached the nurses' station and inform them about my grandma's condition.

you know what the heck the nurse said? she said, "Oh, that's normal."

my cousin went back to my grandmother's room and still anxious, she checked my grandmother, who have lost her consciousness already.

panicking, she shouted for a nurse.

my grandmother had a cardiac arrest.

they were able to revive her (using defibrillator and epi). and end up comatosed in the ICU.

the ROD who pushed the anesthesia was nowhere to be found.

the next day, my father visited her (as he usually does everyday)

he told me that he could not bear to look at his mother (my grandma) because she was having seizure episodes.

our family demanded for an explanation. her ortho surgeon said that he does not know what happened because "it is not my forte." we called her attending physician, who just said that she also don't know what happened, and that she is still investigating the circumstances which lead to the cardiac arrest of my grandmother.

i looked up at my drug handbook for the adverse effect of the said medication. know what? it says it can cause seizure, arrythmia, respiratory arrest, and CARDIAC ARREST.

it's a CNS depressant.

the ROD cannot be contacted for her side of events.

she still hasn't shown herself to us.

i am writing this because right now, my grandmother is comatosed. the doctors said that they'll "give" my mother until thursday to regain her consciousness.and then what? make us sign DNR's?!

i cried all night because i was really close to my grandmother. she practically raised me as a child.

all my memories with her was happy. i am also full of anguish because i am a nurse, i see death lurking on shadows all the time. but i don't want her to give up, even if others say that her body is already tired and longed to give in to that 'eternal peace'.

but i just can't let her go.

i guess love really is selfish.


to my grandmother, i will always be your little princess. i am so sorry for the times i was unable to visit you because i was too busy studying. i really regret not having spent time with you these past few months. you know i love you dearly because you have cared for me even if you are already feeble and old.please, please don't give up. not this time. And not like this.

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